The Giant Beauty
Players: 1 Player Game | Release Date: 08/15/04 | Genre: Action
This month we bring to you a game from the majestic islands of Japan in the Far East. Getting the itch for something different, I decided to hit up the import market and see what craziness I could get my paws on. Oh and what craziness I did find. I present to you Daibijin SP2000 Vol. 50. I have no idea what the SP2000 Vol. 50 is all about, but the game title for English speaking folks is The Giant Beauty. Basically, there’s a fifty story tall bikini model walking around shooting lasers out of her eyes, kicking over buildings and generally just pulling a big, fat Godzilla on everything. It is your humble duty to shoot the crap out of her using choppers, tanks and a fighter plane. Come on, how could I not buy this one?
Well, if I knew then what I know now, I most definitely would have passed on this debacle of software engineering. The game begins with our hot little model playing on the beach, at this point she’s just your average sized girl. Suddenly this funny looking creature like…pokes her or something which results in her getting all dizzy and passing out. A pretty funny introduction. When she wakes up, she finds that she has grown to colossal proportions and suddenly you’re brought to a mission setup screen where you can customize your chopper- to some extent- and outfit it with various special weapons to aid you in combat.
At this point, I’m still having some fun. I can’t read the weapons I’m selecting, so I just go with the ones that have the coolest looking characters in their name. Finally, I start the mission and the model begins walking around aimlessly, not really minding that she’s trampling people’s homes. After I see her carelessly wreck a few homes, I decide it’s time to let her have it and I open fire with my main machine gun. It’s not until I actually try moving my chopper that I discover just how bad this game is going to be. The play control…it’s virtually nonexistent. Pulling the analog sticks slightly yields absolutely no results, apply just a little more pressure and your vehicle careens wildly off course, steadying your vehicle to get a good shot off is by far the hardest and most annoying thing in the game. The circle and square buttons allow you to strafe, but it takes a solid two seconds or more for the vehicle to react. Simply tapping the button to move slightly is not possible, you have to press and hold…and hold…and hold to get any results.
I thought things couldn’t possibly get worse than the chopper…then I made it to the third stage and discovered hell on Earth as I tried to pilot the fighter plane. I was begging for my crappy helicopter before it was all said and done. The controls for the plane were so counter intuitive and unresponsive that I will never, ever play that stage again. Thankfully the third stage is the only one where the player is subjected to such inhumane torture. The tank stage was surprisingly mediocre, which was a welcome surprise after the helicopter and plane fiascos.
Another thing worth mentioning is the abysmal slow down found in almost all stages after the first two…which isn’t saying much, there’s only six stages total and I finished the game in under two hours. But back to the horrendous frame rate, on random, frequent occasions, the game slows to an almost unbearable crawl. It was a lesson in frustration to play through this.
To say that this game was all bad would actually be a pretty accurate description. I will, however, admit to laughing a bit, mostly in the first two stages when the weapons and game were still new to me. The special weapons range from super bombs to gigantic pieces of cake to oversized stereos. The first time I shot out a giant piece of cake and the girl sat down to eat is a moment to remember. Then came the stereo where mercifully, the awful game music ceased and a funny Jpop song began to play which sent the girl into dancing mode; sweet. Oh, and on the tank stage I shot a giant garbage can lid that came crashing down on her head; that was pretty enjoyable too. Other than those few seconds of fun, the game was horrible through and through. From shoddy performance, the worst play control ever and terrible music that repeats over and over again, every bit of data in the game is drenched in suck. I have played free flash games on the ‘net that are immensely more rewarding than this. Avoid at all costs!